Friday, June 29, 2012

i let you slip away

Bob Wheeler passed away suddenly on Thursday. I never met him, but he was one of those people you just knew was making a difference out in the world. Smart and strong and inspirational. A community is in mourning.

I've been thinking a lot, even before this, about those in my life. Friends. Family. Old and new.

But mainly, those I've lost touch with. The once-besties, now facebook friends. Those I used to share every aspect of my daily life. Then slowly it was weekly re-caps. Then a phone call every now and then. When there is too much time between, when everything is blurred into boring consistency and there is nothing to say. You "like" a post. Maybe reference an old memory. But otherwise, they are gone.

I do this. I make this happen. I am responsible. I fail to keep up. I fail to reach out. I let you slip away.

Even now, my friends know this. They text or call now and then to make sure I'm alive. Because unless I have a reason... plans or parties or questions about something... I don't keep up. I don't ask.

And I do the same with family. Particularly extended family. I intend to be better. I want to call. To make those connections stronger. But I don't. Life gets in the way. Work stress. To-do lists. Relaxation. None of them include just a simple phone call to someone I care about.

I am not proud of this. I know how to fix it. (Pick up the phone, stupid.) I even see how I do it.

For the most part, I guage friendship on the Daily. The Daily is the sense we have of each other's daily life. At any given moment, where would you be? What would you be thinking about? What are your concerns for the day? Where do you work, live, shop? Who do you interact with?

I had a friend in college. I would have considered him my best friend, had I had any sort of Daily for him. But he was a free spirit. No sleep cycle. No specific circle of friends. I never had any sense of him, beyond my own interactions with him.

For some reason, having a Daily for a friend is important to me. Makes me feel connected and close. But I think it also destroys my friendships when the Daily deteriorates. Maybe there is little else to stand on - either because there just isn't, or because I haven't made the effort to push beyond.

Some of my friendships were never that way. They were casual and close, or deep connections without the need for daily maintenance. Never intending to become intense friendships, never being built up to have me disappoint them. But there were all too many that crashed and burned, that went by the wayside because I didn't know how to carry them into another part of my life.

So, to Kris and Brigette and Michael and Jennifer and Jeannette and David and Sarah and Erin and Nancy and Callie and Larry and Alicia and Jen and Moriah and Beth and Johnny and Jacqui and Annette and Stacie and the countless others... I am sorry. I am sorry for my failures. I am sorry to have left you. I am sorry if I ever do in the future. You are kind souls, spirited women, brave men, intelligent creatures, and wonderfully flawed human beings that deserve the devotion of a good friend, through thick and thin, boring and dramatic.

I don't feel worthy. And yet I can imagine that the joys of friendship could be more than I expect if I only made the effort. I may get there yet.

This blog is about choices. The choices we make. For too long I've made the choice to watch good people walk away. I'm not saying that it stops now. I'm not saying I will change overnight, spend 3 hours a week calling friends and family to catch up. I have no specific goal to achieve.

But I am calling attention to this. Calling myself out, publicly. Bringing this to mindfulness. And maybe turn this Able-Hearted Girl into one worthy of being your loved one.

Much Love,
Able-Bodied Girl


Sunday, June 10, 2012

gardens done-ish!

As you may recall, this is the Before of the "Corner Garden"

And this is the After!!

Imagine it with these flowers (cuz the roots have been planted in there!): Cote d'Azur Pinks

Also, the blackberries are starting to turn!

Whatcha got growin'?

Much Love,
Able-Bodied Girl


Friday, June 1, 2012

legends of the fall

A legendary fail.

You may recall that back on New Years Eve, the Great Appendix Escape occurred. While I wasn't out of commission for too long, I did have to take it easy on my body for a month or more.

A month or more. Of not working out. Of getting out of the routine.

I went eased back with Gentle Yoga classes for a while, then graduated back into my regular Yoga Renew.

I started cycling in February, with a goal of cycling 1000 miles this year.
But really, it was nothing like my 4-5x weekly workouts. A mix of early-morning Dance Dance Revolution and Wednesday night Yoga and cycling evenings or weekends or mornings or whenever the weather allowed. My yoga multi-class card ran out before our vacation in Mid-April, and I haven't bought a new one yet. When Able-Bodied Boy is out of town, yoga is more difficult to get to. My work schedule changed and I have less time in the mornings to workout.

The only bright spot is that I have started jogging again, with Bella. It's a quick workout in the morning, and Bella could sure use the exercise too. I am up to about 1.5 miles, without walking breaks, and hope to get that up to 3.5 miles by the end of the year. But I can't get too serious about it, due to a minor case of pigment dispersion syndrome. But I'm going to do as much as I feel is reasonable this year and check back with the eye doctor to see if things are looking any worse.

Able-Bodied Boy's schedule changes soon, and he'll be up quite early in the mornings. I'm hoping I can start rolling out of bed when he does (5a!), to beat the summer heat and get out on the road (foot or pedal) before work. (But 5a? Really? Should I be more realistic about this?)

I have a lot of plans for cycling events this year. The Get Ready Metric tomorrow, I hope; The DoubleCross; the Shorefire Century; the Jersey Devil Century; Bike to the Bay; and the Savage Century. But I have not really been training all that hard and still only have a hundred or so miles on my bike for the year. Even all these put together (doing anywhere from 30-75 miles per ride, at a major stretch of my abilities, based on their offerings) is only 400 miles.

How do you get your butt in gear when you're a girl with very little willpower, who'd rather come home to a gin & tonic and a relaxing evening than change into workout clothes? Whose self-bribing is undermined as often as possible?

(And don't even asked if I've hopped on the scale in the last six months... I'm sure it's not a pretty number and I'm too scared to look.)
Any suggestions?

Much Love,
Able-Bodied Girl