Monday, June 20, 2011

all the tools for all the broken parts

I'm failing.

Holding at 7lbs down. Regained 2lbs from my losses last month. I'm not even at the half-way mark. I'm not really even at the quarter-way mark anymore.

I have excuses. blame. sadness.

I have hope without merit, which really is just hopelessness in a pretty mask.

Worst of all, I have tools. Tools utterly unused. Rewards prematurely bestowed. Challenges gratuitously unheeded. Restrictions wantonly ignored. All sorts of ideas and ideals and plans and things to measure and opportunities to do right.

And nothing to back it up. Not willpower, determination, courage. Just the humility to admit failure to you.

I'm ready to give up. Not necessarily quit all my good efforts: my eating habits, my cycling. But quit checking my weight, caring about how I look or feel. Because I don't feel bad, and I don't think I look any worse, and yet it feels like I have nothing to show for it.

Is it insane to keep going, even though I can't see the point, the benefit, the gain? Even though I haven't shown myself one bit of true grit, always taking the easy way?

In my head I hear all the cheerleading and encouragement, or the sympathy and understanding, or the blaming and self-righteousness. I hear all those voices calling and none sound like what I need to hear. I spin around and around, from one voice to another, looking for a gap in the sounds, a perspective I've missed, a new direction to take.

I think I'll just sit a spell.


Much Love,
Able-Bodied Girl



  1. Maybe you have the right idea in stopping the checking. Your eating healthier not just what most folks consider but going above and beyond with the fresh organics as well. Your riding for a work out. You feel good I'd be willing to bet better then you have in the past. Don't let the numbers get in the way of the results.

  2. I have to agree. Quit checking. Acknowledge where you HAVE succeeded (eating healthier, recognizing when you're not) and keep up the things you're enjoying (biking, hiking, etc.) without the stresses of "measuring."

    I'm not sure what original measurement you set your goals too... but if you feel you're eating better and getting out to exercise and if you don't feel bad (I assume this is a physical health statement, rather than mental health statement, because you obviously have some "feel bad" over not keeping to things like you said you would), then I'd say quit measuring.
    No one loses weight the same way... and what's more, if you are exercising more and gaining muscle, you're not going to have any "proof" by stepping on a scale.

  3. My goal was 30lbs lost.

    Adjust the goal? Clothes sizes?

    I don't want to be this big forever, but admit that I lack self-motivation.

  4. I've been working my ass off for a long time now, and I haven't lost any weight in the last 3 years, despite numerous triathlons, a marathon, and constantly increasing training. Weight should not be your end game, it is a ridiculously inaccurate way of measuring progress that is used because it is easy to measure. Anaerobic threshold. Speed you can ride your bike. Blood pressure. How you feel. Those are the real measures of success.

    I've been trying to get Jamie to realize that working out and eating healthy to lose weight is a losing proposition every time. Working out and eating healthy because you enjoy it and want to improve yourself is the real path to health. Then enjoying your hobby and achieving your goals are one and the same.

    You have already accomplished that from the input direction, eating healthy food has become a hobby for you that is in line with your goals. Just concentrate on your hobby, and at some point you'll chuckle at yourself about how you were sweating losing weight while eating locally grown organic arugula.

  5. I agree about not letting the numbers get in the way. I would have to say that you need to stop stepping on that scale everyday. Maybe once a month, maybe less. For me stepping on myself causes me to feel bad if the results aren't what I want, and if the results are good it makes me just more likely to slack off and treat myself. I've been doing it everyday and I go up and down and up and down.

    Measure the results in how you feel, how you look to you, and what you know you have been doing that is good for you. And don't forget that if you aren't taking care of yourself in other ways your body holds on to the weight. Sleep is a big one, if you aren't getting enough sleep your insulin balance is off and it makes you more likely to gain weight. I have 20lbs to lose to drop the baby weight (which was really everyday oreo/snickers bar and too lazy/afraid to go to the gym while I was pregnant weight - the first 25 was the baby weight.) I have another 10 beyond that too so I am right there with you. I'm planning to measure by how I feel (right now thats crappy but getting better) and clothing sizes for something a little less subjective. At least thats what I will be doing after I stop freaking out that Ray lost a ton of weight during deployment and I gained 2 more sizes then after Ender was born.

  6. thanks everyone. i feel better about not having much to show for it, but i still want to forge ahead and finally own (and fit into) something like a size 12 or smaller. probably not making that happen this year is disappointing, so thanks for the support...

  7. I think the consensus is to just get rid of the scale. Don't hide it, get rid of it.