new horizons, new toothpaste

I abandoned you this summer, dear blog, didn't I?

Rather than being too busy to think, I've had plenty on my mind and plenty to say. Plenty of moments, lost in thoughts, lost in concerns, lost and looking for an outlet. Alas, it hasn't really been fit for public consumption. Rightly so.

Anyway, it is time for some items of note to be published...

I have moved. I, alone. Without Able-Bodied Boy, my friend, my roommate, my love for many years. I will not go into any of that personal stuff here, but we remain good friends.

I have moved. Out of the middle of nowhere and into the Land Near Work. A Land where I can bike to work and walk Bella through neighborhoods.

A Land where chickens do not roam. Able-Bodied Boy will retain care and consumption of eggs. And even has plans to add to the flock! I'm so excited to see that project flourish and continue on :)

What an adventure, eh? Will I try a garden on my little porch (would it even survive a shady north face -- it's south-facing but I'm still not sure I can make anything grow)? How will Bella react to the new surroundings, poor stressed creature?  What frugal and healthy foods will I cook for myself? How will I handle this new 3-mile biking commute? Will I finally lose that weight, through long walks with Bella? How will I adjust to life on my own?

In other excitement (ok, only I find this exciting...), I have switched to baking soda for toothpaste! A simple mix of baking soda and hydrogen peroxide and peppermint oil. It took a bit of getting used to, but I'm diggin' it! Next up, deodorant :) I'll post more on all that later!

Ok, back to serious matters... Thank to all of you who have been so supportive during this transition. (to the apartment, not to baking soda toothpaste. i doubt anyone really noticed that....)  Some things just can't be done without friends and family and well-connected coworkers. Phone calls. Emails. Muscles lifting boxes. Knowing a guy. Shoulders to cry on. Encouragement as life transitions to new things. Toaster ovens. (it's important to have toast!) These are the things that futures are made of....



Will you tell me about the little things in your life? I've seem to run out.

Much Love,
Able-Bodied Girl


  

and here we go again...

What is it about summer that makes it impossible for me to post regularly?

I visited Barnhenge Mama (and her adorable new Boob Monster) yesterday, taking a moment to breathe and enjoy. Florence and the Machine were the soundtrack of my day, pulling at the depths of my soul to rip the music lover out of hiding, watching a spontaneous dance by a whimsical pre-schooler. A beautiful day to just try to BE.

Of course, there was DOing too. The wonderful world of Pennsic begins for me at the end of the week. And, as much as I enjoy sewing, there is only one time of year in which significant sewing happens... the week before Pennsic. (am.i.right?)  So all spare moments have been dedicated to coating the carpet in thread and trying not to burn or stab myself. Bella has been forced to go retrieve her own food and manage door knobs. Luckily, the Olympic games have been good company and inspiration as I try to at least try to place in the time-trials of the yards-to-garbs competition.

In summer, there is this irreparable swing between BE and DO. Days when gardening and cooking up CSA fare and cleaning and sewing and berry-picking and sweating leave you breathless. Days when sun and water and blue skies and good company and fresh food wash away everything else. There is no in-between. There is no moment to think "yes, I shall post about this later". There is only a to-do list or leaving it all behind.

Of course, life has been happening, and things worth sharing. Friday escapes into Philly with a kindred-spirit. Spontaneously-stuffed zucchini (1/2 cup dry bulger, cooked; 5oz goat cheese; 2oz sun dried tomato, diced; toaster oven for 20min on 350). Foxes at weddings. Broody chickens that return to the flock, lay wierd eggs, then go back to being broody. Awe-inspired light displays at Longwood Gardens (GO DO!). Gluts of zucchini turned into gluts of muffins. Having a full back-up generator installed two weeks before losing power for 3.5 days. A Bella whose wounds (and those that she inflicts) have healed, leading to a calmness around semi-strangers and friendliness with those who show her interest. The best of parties being thrown in the worst of heat waves. Quarts and quarts of blackberries. Magical trips to New England, complete with beautiful weather and playing wiffle ball on the beach.

And best of all, a best friend. Don't get me wrong, I have a blessed life full of wonderful friends and family, who are amazingly supportive and always around for a shoulder or a laugh. But we all need that Person, the one that gets us, sees our place in the world, has been through what we're going through or is going through it too. The Person whose beauty and soul you see, who hasn't yet seen what you see. Now I have my Person and I am content :) Considering she does not want to be a Canadienne, I believe she shall just be My Person. I hope that word holds the same gravitas with you as it does me. I am truly blessed.

Other than that, I look forward to the end of the summer. When life and schedules come back to some sort of sanity. When there is less DO and BE and more share and create. When sushi-days can come back. When I actually get on the bike, or go do yoga. When we can enjoy the (frozen) fruits (and veggies and meats and other prepared foods) of our labor. When sewing projects will be done at leisure and with more thought (and less seam-ripping!).

In the meantime, how is your summer going?

Much Love,
Able-Bodied Girl


  

i let you slip away

Bob Wheeler passed away suddenly on Thursday. I never met him, but he was one of those people you just knew was making a difference out in the world. Smart and strong and inspirational. A community is in mourning.

I've been thinking a lot, even before this, about those in my life. Friends. Family. Old and new.

But mainly, those I've lost touch with. The once-besties, now facebook friends. Those I used to share every aspect of my daily life. Then slowly it was weekly re-caps. Then a phone call every now and then. When there is too much time between, when everything is blurred into boring consistency and there is nothing to say. You "like" a post. Maybe reference an old memory. But otherwise, they are gone.

I do this. I make this happen. I am responsible. I fail to keep up. I fail to reach out. I let you slip away.

Even now, my friends know this. They text or call now and then to make sure I'm alive. Because unless I have a reason... plans or parties or questions about something... I don't keep up. I don't ask.

And I do the same with family. Particularly extended family. I intend to be better. I want to call. To make those connections stronger. But I don't. Life gets in the way. Work stress. To-do lists. Relaxation. None of them include just a simple phone call to someone I care about.

I am not proud of this. I know how to fix it. (Pick up the phone, stupid.) I even see how I do it.

For the most part, I guage friendship on the Daily. The Daily is the sense we have of each other's daily life. At any given moment, where would you be? What would you be thinking about? What are your concerns for the day? Where do you work, live, shop? Who do you interact with?

I had a friend in college. I would have considered him my best friend, had I had any sort of Daily for him. But he was a free spirit. No sleep cycle. No specific circle of friends. I never had any sense of him, beyond my own interactions with him.

For some reason, having a Daily for a friend is important to me. Makes me feel connected and close. But I think it also destroys my friendships when the Daily deteriorates. Maybe there is little else to stand on - either because there just isn't, or because I haven't made the effort to push beyond.

Some of my friendships were never that way. They were casual and close, or deep connections without the need for daily maintenance. Never intending to become intense friendships, never being built up to have me disappoint them. But there were all too many that crashed and burned, that went by the wayside because I didn't know how to carry them into another part of my life.

So, to Kris and Brigette and Michael and Jennifer and Jeannette and David and Sarah and Erin and Nancy and Callie and Larry and Alicia and Jen and Moriah and Beth and Johnny and Jacqui and Annette and Stacie and the countless others... I am sorry. I am sorry for my failures. I am sorry to have left you. I am sorry if I ever do in the future. You are kind souls, spirited women, brave men, intelligent creatures, and wonderfully flawed human beings that deserve the devotion of a good friend, through thick and thin, boring and dramatic.

I don't feel worthy. And yet I can imagine that the joys of friendship could be more than I expect if I only made the effort. I may get there yet.

This blog is about choices. The choices we make. For too long I've made the choice to watch good people walk away. I'm not saying that it stops now. I'm not saying I will change overnight, spend 3 hours a week calling friends and family to catch up. I have no specific goal to achieve.

But I am calling attention to this. Calling myself out, publicly. Bringing this to mindfulness. And maybe turn this Able-Hearted Girl into one worthy of being your loved one.


Much Love,
Able-Bodied Girl


  

outside my comfort zone

First things first. Thank you to all my readers, friends and random folk alike. Able-Bodied Boy (aka Manuel) has passed along all your encouragement and love, and I was shocked to hear so many random acquaintances and friends of friends of friends have been following along. Glad to see the blog has reached outside it's own "comfort zone"... certainly not a bad thing :) Thank you. Your kind words mean so much, and hearing how it's inspired you to try new things and act a little more sustainably makes me that much more eager to share my own journey.

And that leads to a couple of weekends ago. You know, that very weekend when you may have been talking about me around a fire with Able-Bodied Boy? Well, I was way outside my comfort zone.

I was getting sweaty out in the heat, growing things.

I may have mentioned my loathing of all things hot and humid.  And my lack of a green thumb. So yeah, combine those two and it made for an interesting weekend.

April is a great month for pruning and mulching and planting. Which is why I did it in mid-May. Yeah, procrastination abounds in my world. But at least I bought a mess of bulbs and tubers, planned a new garden or two, ordered a ton of mulch, and promptly watch Able-Bodied Boy drive away leaving me to do it all. HA! That's what I get... :)

So, in true Able-Bodied fashion, I forgot some of the BEFORE pictures. So you'll just have to imagine a jungle with trees. Literally. A jungle. With TREES. For any garden lacking a before shot.

AFTER: The Front Bushes. These two bushes were man-high and making the front walk nearly impassable. The bushes lost 60% of their weight, and all the weeds and trees in the rest of the bed were replaced by mulch.

The goodies from Van Bourgondien. I love they include a Garden Guide that tells you how/when to plant and care for all of the plants they sell.

BEFORE: The Mini Garden. Now housing weeds and the panels from an old fire pit.

MIDPOINT: The Mini Garden. Weeded! Pretty soon we will build a raised bed for some Cote d'Azur Pinks.

BEFORE: The Back Garden. All weeds and vines and wretchedness.

MID-POINT: The Back Garden. I tilled the clay-bound soil for an hour. Yay no more weeds!

AFTER: The Back Garden. I planted Windflowers and mulched the bed. Later, gas lines were being installed and they dug up half the bed :(

Random hanging basket and my spider plants recovering from a winter of abuse.

AFTER: The Lily Garden. Weeded and mulched!

AFTER: The Bulb Garden. Weeded, mulched and Periwinkle roots planted

And the best for last.... the blackberries are berrying!!! We should have a FABULOUS crop of them starting in July.

Some of the thousands of blackberries :)

What do you have growing?

Much Love,
Able-Bodied Girl


  

lookie over there!! --->

Just did my first cycling ride of the year :) And updated my odometer over there on the right...

I'm sooooo out of shape, but the weather was beautiful and Able-Bodied Boy was nice enough to prep my bike and my boss was nice enough to let me leave work early and OH MY GOD did that feel good.

1000+, here I come!
  

How have you been making the most of the early spring weather?

Much Love,
Able-Bodied Girl


  

smile. the rest is out of your control.

This past week has been pretty rough for me, mentally and emotionally. My anxiety level has been high and I've been on the verge of tears more often than not. I'm a girl; this happens on occasion. And trust me, this used to be my normal. But in the last year, I've been happily meandering through life. That is, until this past week.

There have been a number of things on my mind. And mostly, they are other people's "stuff". Stuff I have no control over. Which doesn't mean I can't sympathize, empathize, try to help... but recently, all those woes have gone far deeper into me that usual. I would say into my heart or my soul, but really, they have gone into the pit of my stomach. Anxiety over all these things that I can't fix for others.

Every interaction, every anticipation of interaction, has caused me to feel like I'm drowning. Self-expression through communication, the thing I love and crave, has been impossible. Instead, I hide or snap or cry or feel ill. That is not normal, not natural, and not healthy.


So I've taken the past few days for myself. I spent time with Able-Bodied Boy and with my family. I sat quietly. I sang songs to my neice. I cooked. I drank ginger ale. I changed settings on social networking websites so I wouldn't get quite so many email notifications. And Able-Bodied Boy held me tight in the hot tub.

I've started to relax.


I'm not there yet, but today, Valentine's Day, reminds me of all that I am grateful for. This time last year, I opened hands, heart and home to those friends nearest and dearest that had supported me during a very hard time. And it makes me realize that I cannot in turn let them down by being so burdened by their needs that I can't function. Sympathy, empathy, love, a hand, a shoulder... these are things I can and should give freely. They are gifts, giving, outpourings.

I cannot control others, their lives, the things they say or do or how they react to the world. I cannot fix everything wrong with the world, or even a little bit of it. Right now, I can't even put into words all the little things that I feel pushing against me. Remembering all this and recovering my ability to make it all make sense will take more time.

But in the meantime, I can keep a smile on my face, warmth in my heart, sympathy in my soul, and a free spot on my shoulder.

 Have you recently struggled with anything that usually comes easy?

Much Love,
Able-Bodied Girl


  

have you been counting?

This officially marks the 100th post of Able-Bodied Girl, and I couldn't have made it this far without your support and readership.

Thanks for being there through funny times, and serious times...  Through weight loss struggles and triumphs... For being interested in worms, and chickens, and tolerating all the personal hygiene tales...

Thanks for taking an interest in the Urban Homesteading movement...

And for trying those Roasted Thai Lamb Shanks (YUM!)...

Thanks go to Jill of Lost and Not Found for writing a love letter to us all...

And to the cast of characters in my life: Able-Bodied Boy, the Able-Bodied Family, the Barnhenge's, Purple Monkey, Beth - Girl Explorer, and countless commenters who have amused and supported me.

In the coming year, I hope you'll join me as I expand the Clean Hippie list and continue trying to be a better me (and lose those 30 damn pounds!).

And so you don't get bored, you may note I've changed up the design a bit. Everyone needs a bit of change now and then, eh?


Any changes or topics you'd like me to tackle?

Much Love,
Able-Bodied Girl


  

the sad conclusion to our tale

Well, thank you for following along with the chicken antics. I'm glad you were as entertained (and sometimes disturbed) as we were...

After the first story aired, but before I had released the second and third parts, we received some sad news.

While at boot-in-the-ass camp, Bunter managed to find his way over to the very busy rural road on which the Barnhenge's live. Sadly, we cannot answer the age old question "Why did the chicken cross the road?", we only know that Bunter did not make it.

 

Farewell friend. Barnhenge Mama says you were starting to mend your ways, and another family was interested in taking you into their flock.

  

 

Kinda makes you appreciate life, doesn't it? Even those that have made mistakes in their life...

Much Love,

Able-Bodied Girl

  

happy. new. year.

Well, I finally have time to post, seeing as I stuck in the hospital, recovering from an apondectomy on New Years Eve.

Anyway, stellar end to 2011, here in a hospital bed at 4:30am. The thing is though, I'm not sad or upset about it. Granted, it was a little hard sending Able-Bodied Boy off to the big party of friends (I told him to), but overall, I'm happy, and it has been a great year.

2010 was the suck of suck. I won't explain why, but I have alluded to big changes that took place that made me believe that 2011 would be great, and it has been. In a lot of way, but mainly it's been great in my head, heart, and spirit. My level of gratitude on an immediate basis has gone skyhigh, and it's been lovely to watch my personal growth this year, mostly in my headspace.

With your encouragement, I blogged. It helped me expend creative juices, reviving my love of creative writing. It also gave me an outlet to express and codify and clarify many of the beliefs I have about motivation, choices, and our relationships with our selves, loved ones, and world around us. That has been huge for me, and I appreciate all the kind words and feedback about the things I've had to say. I know my blogging rate slowed down, but you all stayed around and that encourages me to continue in 2012.

I have also had an amazing year at work. I don't often speak of my employer, for obvious public-blog-legal-issues reasons, but I have to say that I love my workplace. Lots of changes to my immediate work group this year, including my own position/promotion, and any kinks in the changes have seemed to work themselves out. My employer has afforded me a ton of professional growth this year, and I am extremely grateful for that and the overall wonderful treatment of their employees. The commute still sucks, but that's not their fault :)

My relationship with my family continues to grow stronger. It's amazing how we get over those tumultuous early years of teenage drama and sibling rivalry. My sister-in-law mentioned that she couldnt imagine Able-Bodied Brother and I not getting along. On one hand, OOOHHH the stories... on the other hand, he is truly one of my favorite people on the planet and I'm starting to tear up here thinking about how cool he is and how fun it is to, every time we get together, bond more and more. Gah he's awesome!
Same with my parents. Dad and I were always close, but that relationship is more and more tangible every time I see him or speak to him. And after fighting it most of my teenage years, I am finally grateful for all of the ways in which I am my mother's daughter (Reppucci, you bastard!). I am so happy to see them fulfilled and loving their retired life - though I ought to call it semi-retired since they both now have jobs and are far busier than ever!

Able-Bodied Boy treats me like a queen and I ask myself every day what I ever did in my life to deserve his love and devotion. Our opposing perspectives on just about everything had been something I struggled with but have seriously begun to embrace and value. He has taught me so much about patience and acceptance, and has truly made me a better human being.

One of the awesomest things to happen this year has been new friends. My skydiving buddies from last year, who were virtual strangers at the time - having only met them once at a comping event - have turned out to be the most supportive girlfriends and I am so grateful to have found people I can relate to. Able-Bodied Boy and I have also become friends with our neighbors! Seriously, the walk-down-the-street-for-dinner sort of thing. The drop-by-and-check-on-my-animals thing. The I-don't-hate-living-in-the-middle-of-nowhere-quite-as-much thing. It has been an amzing few months getting to know them and Able-Bodied Boy and I look forward to that growing relationship. Neighbor-friends... amazing!

So, what shall the New Year bring? Well, for one, it better bring me some damn solid foods soon! I don't thing I'm going to have resolutions, per se. The 30lb goal was, well, too high a bar and, while I think I did pretty well at most of it, I know I'm far less ambitious that I wish I was.
>>More food preservation. Always a struggle due to Able-Bodied Boy's 3-week departure mid-summer, but he has some things he wants and we WILL work together for all of our canning goals (right dear??).
>>More cycling. Finding the in-the-moment motivation to get into the cycling clothes and on the road is sometimes tough, but man, I do love getting out there. As long as no one plans to get married that weekend, I'm definitely trying for the 75m Bike To The Bay this year, maybe even the 100m. No clue how many miles I put in last year, but I think I'll track this year and see if I can reach the 1000 mile mark.
>>More organization. I can be very type-A, and I can find plenty of outlets for that in the home.
>>More friends. I can't wait to spend more time with friends, new and old, this year. Especially if they agree to play some of the fun games Boy got me for my birthday and Christmas this year :)

And here's what I'm looking forward to in 2012...
>>More sushi days! January is booked. February guest list is being finalized. And I'm hoping to lure more friends that we don't see often enough with my fabulous sushi. (Sounds like a blog post to me:))
>>Bridesmaid! My dear childhood friend is getting married, and I've been honored to be asked to be in her wedding party. We met in first grade as neighbors, have kept in touch ever since, and now enjoy annual camping trips together with our significant others. Can't wait to spend her day with her in the Poconos!
>>Work! Ok, I know that sounds wierd. But I have so many exciting (self-imposed) goals for myself in 2012, and I just can't wait to get to it all!
>>Blogging! I think I need to schedule it into my week, which is pretty feasible. I just need to git'er'dun. So much more I want to share with you!
>>Solid foods! For the love of god, I'm starving....

What are you looking forward to this year? What made 2011 good/bad and what would you like to see change?

Much Love,
Able-Bodied Girl


  

tails of the turducken

Well, my family successfully survived two years of deep-fried turkey during my two years of hosting, so my father decided we would be ambitious and try making a Turducken for my parent's turn at hosting this year.

Ahh, yes, layer upon layer of MEAT. Yum!

My brother and I were set to task with boning the duck and chicken, respectively. Our first hurdle was the realization that my father didn't actually own three boning knives, nor three knives capable of proper boning.

Of course, I also broke a knife in the process, which didn't help.

So, we set to boning the birds...

Me with the chicken... before

Me with the chicken... after

Able-Bodied Brother with the duck...

and Able-Bodied Father with the turkey.

So, after that, we had the serious business of bringing them all together. Some instructions say to add stuffing between layers, but we opted not to. After much wrestling and squishing and tying and wrapping, we finally got all the parts into each other...

My dad roasted it at 300 for most of the day, with the extra wings on top, and it turned out lovely and not at all dried out! Show that beautiful meat footage!

Overall, the taste wasn't bad, but everything kinda got washed out in a "poultry" taste. And really, who focuses on the taste of the meat at Thanksgiving, when there is an awesome spread of dressings and gravies and sides and cranberry sauce and PIES!

I will leave you with Alton Brown's favorite friend...

How was your Thanksgiving? Eat any incredible foods? Eat too much? Did you try to be good?

Much Love,
Able-Bodied Girl


  

a view fro.. *huff huff huff*...m the top

I survived!!!! In numbers...

The Good
44.7 miles
3:49:30 time on bike
Average speed 11.6mph
Max speed 31.7mph
~3000 vertical feet of climbing
6th ride on my new bike (photos below!)
0 Dismounted walk-ups (awesome considering I have been known to walk in the past!)
11 mile mark (post-detour): was welcomed to join a group of men, who all stayed together until mile 19
1 Able-Bodied Boy meeting me at each checkpoint
1 Chipotle burrito afterwards!

The Bad
0 partners in crime to ride with, talk to, motivate/be motivated by, struggle alongside
20-30mph winds, in the face for most of the first 20 miles
1 Chain jump
2 episodes of tears welling up (did you not read the !!3000!! feet of climbing and !!20-30!! mph winds???)
5 mile mark: already winded
11 mile mark: got diverted for 1.5 miles with other confused riders
25 mile mark: almost gave up

The Ugly
7:00a - my phone thinks it is 1969 (aka, no 3G service, rendering it useless at mile 11 when we were lost and could have used a map)
2:00p - on the way home, we stop by Verizon and they need to wipe the phone to fix it. Ugh.


Ok, so maybe, in the moment, my phone being out of service was not the worst part of my day. When you crest a steep hill at 5mph, looking forward to the downward slide and rest of coasting at 25mph, and the 30mph winds mean you fight to go 6mph down the hill.... that's when you want to quit. But I guess the ride was a bit like childbirth... you forget much of the pain after you make it to the end.

Let me put this in perspective. The biggest hill in my county, "Burden Hill", is 90 vft of climbing. Based on that, I'd guesstimate that my 40mile ride two weeks ago was probably about 300-400 vft of climbing total. Do you remember the number for yesterday? Yup, 3000.  3000.  After the first 5-10 miles, I had already done all the climbing I could have possibly ever done in a single route in my area. And I still had 30miles to go, further into the hilly countryside. Tears. Do you blame me?

Basically, I went from 5mph up the hills to 25mph down the hills. All. Day. Long. With 20-30mph winds coming from the front and the sides. Which means, when you're going 25mph down a hill, and the winds are, say, 20mph in your face, it whips you around a bit. Being on a new bike, with skinnier tires than I've ever ridden on before, I felt very unstable. Add concern about road debris (winds = leaves and nuts and sticks) which is sitting in filtered, shady sunlight (is that shadow a rock or a hole or just a shadow?!?!?), and memories of my August accident (and the scars and still-remaining knobs on my leg and chin), and other riders who don't call "on your left" and would rather just show up unexpectedly in your field of vision, and sharp curves in the road (15mph speed limit?!?! I'm going 25!!!!), and cars that may at any moment overtake/pass or come around a curve in front of you.... it was pretty much sheer terror for that first 25 miles to the checkpoint. Tears.

Ok granted, I only welled up twice. The rest of the time I was too distracted. But on those rare flats where you can go 10mph (normally 15+, but there's all that wind, ya know?), you begin to reflect on just how fucking stupid you think this whole idea was. By the time I got to the checkpoint, I knew for sure that I wasn't going to attempt the 60mile route. That additional 20miles would have added another 1500 vft of climbing, half of which would be continuing into the wind. Nope. Sorry. And I even questioned my ability to finish the rest of the 40. But I rested and got enough of a boost from Able-Bodied Boy, texting friends, and one of my rider buddies, that I figured the last half would be mostly downhill, and mostly with the wind at my back (or sides, but at least not in my face).

I was right, and even the first 10 miles of the 19 back were mostly down and mostly without any wind issues. I saw hardly any other riders (save the groups that offered to help when my chain jumped) and hardly any other vehicles. It was peaceful, without any navigational issues, and only a few wicked hills (including one in a wind tunnel, which I promptly cursed).

So, all in all, I survived, thanks to the support (in spirit) of friends and Able-Bodied Boy sticking around to help see me through. 40miles of the Savage Century, whew! Next year, I want to do other rides. I would love to do the 75mile Bike to the Bay (as originally planned), which is all flat/downhill. Able-Bodied Boy has his eye on some routes in our area (browsing them as I type, in fact). And I may try the 60miles of the Savage.

Until then, the cycling season is over and it's back to Dance Dance Revolution to keep my legs in shape over the winter months.

What hills have you conquered lately?

Much Love,
Able-Bodied Girl


ps. i learned a lot about pre-, post-, and during nutrition and body-care. i'll have to share that at some point!

the state of the body, and the balance of positivity

Last night, I had this whole morning rose-colored and sunshine-y, anticipating the scale-surfing.

I feel great these days. I feel smaller, more flexible, stronger, more energetic, more capable. I have been cycling regularly, getting into a new routine of ab workouts, keeping myself organized and away from the chaos that I seem to wrap around myself at times. I have been positive, toward others and myself. I haven't been perfect, but I embrace myself and treat myself with the gentleness I deserve. I have sprung from the frost of late winter.

There was no way I could not have lost weight. Granted, I haven't been perfect; I've been so positive that I talk myself out of feeling bad about poor choices. But I've been moving steadily toward goals and good choices and trying to keep everything in balance, a delicate balance. And I feel great, so I must have lost weight.

When I stepped on the scale this morning for the first time in 5 weeks, the one pound gain really stung.

Am I being too positive? Too kind to myself? Have I allowed myself too much leniency, not enough tough love? Am I doing something wrong?

Being positive, my answer to all that is no. Being positive has not become a problem.

But, I do want to narrow my focus, now that I can see so much else is under control. I can manage to be better about choices. I can toughen up. I just need to make sure my motivation/tough love does so without tipping the scales so far that I start to resent my own self. Just move slightly away from the coddling of every misbehavior and strengthen my resolve, but still love and support my sometimes-fragile psyche.

I've been listening to My Soothing Mix station on Pandora today (Able-Bodied Sister-in-Law will remember their evening arrival before Thanksgiving, when our family lounged to this station for a drowsy and happy night as we caught up with one another). At times it's inspirational, sometimes sad. But it is music, and uplifts me and calms me.

I'm going to stay on this path of positive. But maybe just walk a little more firmly when necessary. My net loss is still at 7lbs - slightly off track for a 30lb goal, but not insurmountable considering all that I am capable of  :)


How do you make adjustments to your path, without veering off in a new direction?

Much Love,
Able-Bodied Girl


ps. all of this reminds me how much I miss the two girls who shall not be named. the two sweetest girls in the world, who treat themselves and everyone around them with care and respect and humility and grace and an ultimate balance of love for both the good and the not-so-good in the world. girls, i miss you more than ever and crave your inspiration often. love.

when it's all too much

I was in one of those places this weekend. Those closed-in, woe-is-me places. Everything feels wrong, life is hard, and no hope in sight. You know...

We must all find ourselves in this spot at times, right? The world has passed us by. We got passed on that job opportunity (*coughcough*), our new hobby isn't turning out as expected, a friend is being less than friendly, a spouse doesn't agree on how to spend that tax refund. Things come to a standstill. We come to a standstill. No progress. We are a failure, or we have been failed. Everything is wrong.

I hate these moments. I'm so low. Angry at the world and hoping for a get-out-of-jail-free card that will help me push that reset button so I can make everything perfect. Except that's never going to happen. So I wallow in that self-pity. *dramatic hand to forehead*

"I love how this woman handles her self-doubt. She just sees it as part of her process and doesn't get stuck in it. I got to remember that." - friend Amber LS, regarding something she read

I want to be that person she's talking about. I'm trying so hard, and there are some things I need to remind myself...

Take a step back: it could be as easy as distracting yourself with some upbeat tunes, or conversing about something else for a while; bottom line, try to stop dwelling for just a little bit

Remember your place in time: life is not ever going to be a flat line of happiness; there will be moments of great growth and prosperity, and others of weakness and dissatisfaction; this too shall pass and become part of the natural cycle of life

Have self-compassion: do not beat yourself up for not being good enough or strong enough or perfect in every way; you are quick to uplift your loved-ones, and you should treat yourself the same way

Embrace the opportunity: in the midst of your self-pity, you may find a nugget of truth or inspiration or enlightenment; if there is something positive to come from that, then take that with you; you might not have to re-invent your whole life, but you can learn something from the moment

Know your way out: most of the time, we recognize if it is solutions or venting that work best for us; share with a person who will understand your needs and provide the appropriate support, whether that is suggestions or hugs; but...

Don't allow yourself to be enabled: if your thoughts or behaviors are unproductive, unhelpful, or even harmful to yourself or relationships with those around you, it's probably not the best time to seek out that friend that agrees with everything you say; if you need to talk it out, find a friend (or therapist) that will challenge and uplift you


Anything to add? In this time of turmoil in the world, I'd love to have more mantras and flashes of insight to add to the mix.

Much Love,
Able-Bodied Girl


  

reminders of gratitude

I will be the first to admit that I am not always the most gracious of people. Absentminded, I'll walk away from a helpful person without saying 'thank you', or forget to follow up about a friend's important appointment. It's not that my momma didn't teach me right, but I admit that I - more often than not - am inwardly-drawn. But this is slowly changing, with some assistance.

In any case, amidst the chaos of the last few weeks there has been a sense of deep gratitude within for those surrounding me.

I have this amazing circle of friends, one which I inherited in a very bum deal and to which I'm connected by nothing other than a common single tragic event in our lives - the loss of a dear friend. I don't want to dwell on this, but it does speak to the circumstance surrounding how we met and became connected. This isn't your typical met-them-at-work, met-them-at-college, met-them-through-a-hobby group, had-to-be-friends-because-we-saw-each-other-a-lot-and-are-forced-to-get-along. The question "How did you all meet?" is postured with bland expectations. The answer is singular in this case, just like the circle.

Ok, let's just admit... most of you reading right now are in this circle. So I don't really need to go into too much detail about how amazing it is to see everyone stay so connected, despite great distances and grand dramas. All too many times I have seen amazing instances of effort and forgiveness and joy bestowed on one another.

Somehow, so many of them have this incredible ability to truly get to the core of a person, find their essence and their passions, and feed that soul with their own gifts. Instances of generosity, thoughtfulness, willingness to go above and beyond, simple embraces, and drop-of-a-hat love. They see the bigger picture in so many ways, beyond personal grievances or selfishness.

These are the people that saw me through last year. When I was doom and gloom and struggling to get through even the most menial of tasks - they checked in, allowed me to vent, didn't for one second let me forget they were there, and just simply loved me. Love I didn't think I deserved, love that I rejected at times. Love they sent nonetheless. Without asking for a single thing in return.

I am grateful too for a supportive, loving family. I think of them often, despite distances and busy lives, and take great joy in the growth of our relationships over the last few year. After years of believing I was so different and so misunderstood, I grew up. Simple as that. And it's allowed me to feel comfortable reaching out to extended family and try to initiate growth in those relationships too. Small but progressing changes that continue to make me smile.

I refuse to get mushy and tell you about how amazing Able-Bodied Boy is. He just is. He brings out the best in me and challenges me to be even more, all while loving me unconditionally. And I'll be done now before I get carried away and cry or something. Awkward, considering it's my Wednesday night out in the coffee shop...

So thank you all. You amaze me and shape me and give me something to strive for. I love you all and you are my personal heroes.


Who are you grateful for?

Much Love,
Able-Bodied Girl