all the tools for all the broken parts

I'm failing.

Holding at 7lbs down. Regained 2lbs from my losses last month. I'm not even at the half-way mark. I'm not really even at the quarter-way mark anymore.

I have excuses. blame. sadness.

I have hope without merit, which really is just hopelessness in a pretty mask.

Worst of all, I have tools. Tools utterly unused. Rewards prematurely bestowed. Challenges gratuitously unheeded. Restrictions wantonly ignored. All sorts of ideas and ideals and plans and things to measure and opportunities to do right.

And nothing to back it up. Not willpower, determination, courage. Just the humility to admit failure to you.

I'm ready to give up. Not necessarily quit all my good efforts: my eating habits, my cycling. But quit checking my weight, caring about how I look or feel. Because I don't feel bad, and I don't think I look any worse, and yet it feels like I have nothing to show for it.

Is it insane to keep going, even though I can't see the point, the benefit, the gain? Even though I haven't shown myself one bit of true grit, always taking the easy way?

In my head I hear all the cheerleading and encouragement, or the sympathy and understanding, or the blaming and self-righteousness. I hear all those voices calling and none sound like what I need to hear. I spin around and around, from one voice to another, looking for a gap in the sounds, a perspective I've missed, a new direction to take.

I think I'll just sit a spell.

Thoughts?

Much Love,
Able-Bodied Girl


  

the state of the body

Well, there haven't been too many posts about weight loss or working out lately, have there?





*coughcough*


Last week I did a little scale-surfing. Didn't like what I saw, so I did it again the next morning. Even worse. Not so good for morale, let me tell you.

I'll be honest, I haven't been working out so much (as I could be). By the time the rains let up, we got the chickens and Able-Bodied Boy was out of town most of the week. So I was incorporating animal duties into the morning routine and dealing with work stresses and not wanting to leave Bella alone even more than the 10.5 hours I was leaving her as it was...

Excuses excuses. I could have been doing ab-work. I could have gone on one of my big cycling rides on Saturday or Sunday. But I didn't. Though Able-Bodied Boy dragged me out on Sunday for one of our short 10 mile rides.

And boy did I feel like an idiot. A total idiot. I'm out there cycling with him, loving every minute of it. Loving the feel of my strong legs carrying me up the long, low side of Burden Hill. Loving the breeze in my face, watching the wild turkeys haul ass into the woods. The different types of road surfaces, the horse pastures (scaring them or peaking their curiosity). But mostly loving my legs.

Why don't I do this more often?!?!

My plan is to get back into the routine next week, while Able-Bodied Boy is back in town. Then making sure I have an extra 5-10 min in the morning to take care of all our ladies and give Bella some extra love when he's out of town for the Epic Summer Leaving (3 full weeks straight!).

For those of you that comment with questions: do you check back to see if I've answered? I never do because I don't think anyone does (sometimes sending the answers privately), but I will start responding. I really wish I could reply to specific comments in a thread, and you could sign up to get notifications of those replies... Apparently there is a way to fix that by using another website to host the blogger site (or something like that) but it's far too complicated for me to start fussing with :)

Much Love,
Able-Bodied Girl


  

mid-week weigh in/check in

Well, I hopped on the scale this morning and I'm 9lbs down from where I started. So way to go me!

I've reduced my daily intake (to compensate for my woeful lack of cycling - due to rain and very occasional laziness and frequent time constraints) and have been watching my snacking. If I overeat, I fill my belly with ice cold water later when it claims to be hungry.

In short, I've been good about eating :)

What I have not been good about it posting. I have a lot of excuses for you... but you deserve better than that. I'm trying not to judge myself against other bloggers that give you something to chomp on nearly daily. But I've gotten such wonderful positive feedback from so many people that I feel encouraged to write again. "Again", meaning all those years I didn't write, or if I did it was whiney or personal or ranting and I didn't think about my audience, my purpose. You know, all those things an English major is trained to consider....

I have to remind myself that winter was a time of darkness, inner reflection, huddled against the warmth of hearth and home. Boring, basically. There's time to write. Time to plan. Time to share.

Spring? Not so much.

Summer? I hate the heat and Able-Bodied Boy has tons of travel. So I'll be home with dear sweet (when she's not attacking our friends... oh rescue woes) Bella , tending crops, processing foods, and writing more about all that. Plus chickens. Don't forget the chickens!

In the meantime, I'm eyeballing my Clean Hippie page for a new project (and feel free to comment there with list suggestions!)...

What do you want me to try next? Homemade deodorant? Replacing paper towels with cloth? Labeling current chemical cleaners with their future replacement (mixes of baking soda, vinegar, etc)? Or re-designing this damn blogger page :)?

Much Love,
Able-Bodied Girl


  

the state of the body, and the balance of positivity

Last night, I had this whole morning rose-colored and sunshine-y, anticipating the scale-surfing.

I feel great these days. I feel smaller, more flexible, stronger, more energetic, more capable. I have been cycling regularly, getting into a new routine of ab workouts, keeping myself organized and away from the chaos that I seem to wrap around myself at times. I have been positive, toward others and myself. I haven't been perfect, but I embrace myself and treat myself with the gentleness I deserve. I have sprung from the frost of late winter.

There was no way I could not have lost weight. Granted, I haven't been perfect; I've been so positive that I talk myself out of feeling bad about poor choices. But I've been moving steadily toward goals and good choices and trying to keep everything in balance, a delicate balance. And I feel great, so I must have lost weight.

When I stepped on the scale this morning for the first time in 5 weeks, the one pound gain really stung.

Am I being too positive? Too kind to myself? Have I allowed myself too much leniency, not enough tough love? Am I doing something wrong?

Being positive, my answer to all that is no. Being positive has not become a problem.

But, I do want to narrow my focus, now that I can see so much else is under control. I can manage to be better about choices. I can toughen up. I just need to make sure my motivation/tough love does so without tipping the scales so far that I start to resent my own self. Just move slightly away from the coddling of every misbehavior and strengthen my resolve, but still love and support my sometimes-fragile psyche.

I've been listening to My Soothing Mix station on Pandora today (Able-Bodied Sister-in-Law will remember their evening arrival before Thanksgiving, when our family lounged to this station for a drowsy and happy night as we caught up with one another). At times it's inspirational, sometimes sad. But it is music, and uplifts me and calms me.

I'm going to stay on this path of positive. But maybe just walk a little more firmly when necessary. My net loss is still at 7lbs - slightly off track for a 30lb goal, but not insurmountable considering all that I am capable of  :)


How do you make adjustments to your path, without veering off in a new direction?

Much Love,
Able-Bodied Girl


ps. all of this reminds me how much I miss the two girls who shall not be named. the two sweetest girls in the world, who treat themselves and everyone around them with care and respect and humility and grace and an ultimate balance of love for both the good and the not-so-good in the world. girls, i miss you more than ever and crave your inspiration often. love.

more news briefs: added reader convenience and the weigh in

Me again, with brief bullet points, again...

If you turn your attention to the right-hand column there ------------->
you'll see "Emailable" with a text box and Submit button. Enter your email address and receive a notification of new posts! Infinitely more convenient that catching my FB/GTalk links, if that's how you've been keeping up. I'll be moving the box down below after a few weeks, so sign up now before you forget! Blogger's summary:

The Follow by Email gadget provides blog authors a simple way for their readers to subscribe to the latest hot-off-the-press updates, which are delivered directly to the reader’s inbox. When new blog content is published, all subscribed readers will receive a daily email notification of the new published posts, which includes a copy of the new content as well as links back to the actual posts.

Also, I did my weigh-in this morning and alannariva was right... I shouldn't have been such a Debbie downer.  I have lost 2 pounds since the last weigh-in!!! Go me!

Posts of substance will be coming soon, I promise :)


Did you sign up for email notifications yet?

Much Love,
Able-Bodied Girl



ps. how about now?

  

the state of the body

Tuesday:
I am really not looking forward to this. In. The. Least. I really don't feel very confident that I've lost any weight in the last few weeks. Not that I haven't been working out (actually been doing pretty good... 5/week), and I've been quite good with my breakfast and my packed weekday snacks/lunch. But weekends have been a mixed bag, and we've been out and about quite a lot lately, meaning more meals out. And I've really been splurging on alcohol.

So even before I get on the scale on Wednesday morning and do my report and all, I think I'm going to cut out the alcohol for the most part in this sort of arragement:

1) If, starting on Mondays, I manage to get in 4 ab workouts (Jill's 2 sets each of 20 crunches and 2 sets each of 20 side crunches) in addition to a minimum of 4 morning workouts - replacing the morning workout = cheating - then I can have up to two whatever-I-want alcoholic beverages on the weekend.
2) A half-glass of red wine (50 cal) up to three times per week is allowed; since we have no open bottles right now, I probably won't even do that.
3) If Able-Bodied Boy deems that I require a gin & tonic (a sure-fire way to get me out of a bad funk), I will have one (170 cal). But only if I'm in an unresponsive funk. No casual drinks. I think he can handle this, I haven't really had too many instances of gin-emergencies lately.

Wednesday:
Ok, I think this morning's scale-surf was exactly what I needed. Not bad, but not encouraging, and definitely the kick in the butt I needed...

I'm DOWN by another pound, for a total of six pounds lost. So, that at least put a smile on my face. But that means it's been 4 weeks and that's all the progress - or lack thereof - that I've made.

So, I'm going to try to add that ab workout. I'm going to significantly cut my alcohol. What else? Well, I can probably cut back on some of the mainly-emotional snacking. Granted, I grab a cheese stick or fruit half the time, but the other half of the time I'm "taste-testing" whatever I'm cooking - usually on the weekends.

Oh the weekends. They are so tough. If we're not out and about and eating out somewhere, I'm at home cooking something mouth-watering from a magazine or website we recently read. I do try to portion control and make good choices, but standing in front of a stove is really hard to do without eating.

Able-Bodied Boy has been encouraging, although his willpower is so awe-inspiringly perfect that he doesn't always get it when I need rewards or smaller dishes to get through. But as soon as I explain, he gets on board and helps me work through things and isn't critical. So yay having support at home :)

Moving in positive directions, just need to make sure I keep up the pace!

Is it just me, or is the Universe kicking and screaming this week and last for some reason? Everything seems harder than usual, yeah?

Much Love,
Able-Bodied Girl


  

the state of the body

It's that time again, when I go scale-surfing and try to hold my head high as my eyes drop to see which way the numbers go.

And we're.... DOWN a total of 5lbs since the beginning! Which means I'm losing weight a little faster than I intended, but I'm ok with that at this point. I suspect that I'll reach a threshold at some point that will take a little more effort to break through...

(And let me just say, I was very very very nervous about getting on this morning, like butterflies-since-last-night nervous. For some reason, I've felt really big the last 24 hours.)

So what am I doing wrong and what am I doing right, based on my goals?

Water consumption: up, but not all the way up. Probably around three 750-ml bottles, but not the four I'm looking to get. On random days I'll get to 4, other occassional days I'll be at 2.

Eating habits: doing pretty well during the week. I'm eating good breakfasts, snacks, and lunches through the day; buying the necessary fruits & veggies as needed; making the other foods to supplement; all without too much lazy excuse. The evenings are tough, especially when Able-Bodied Boyfriend is out of town. I find myself coming home to face the Hunger Hobbit growling from beneath the steps into the house. Years of habit, I suppose, just like not being able to read Bon Appetit without drooling mouth and grumbling tummy. Weekends are tougher (especially when snowed in!), but I'm trying to self-restrain from just eating mindlessly. My schedule has been a little off lately, but I've tried to do good in remembering to take snacks and stick to it no matter where I am. I'm about to start a certificate program at the university, but I have already planned to get a salad from Salad Works on my way each week, to keep things light (they have salsa in the back, which you can request in lieu of a calorie-heavy salad dressing, woot!).

Working out: mostly Fail. In the last couple weeks, I've only done my DDR an average of three times each week, although a couple of mornings were spent shoveling, which counts in my book! And I missed yoga due to the snow once too. I have dropped the pilates class, though I have yet to break into any of Beth, Girl Explorer's videos and games she left for me to try. Ugh. I have excuses and nothing else.
This week, however, I'm breaking them. In the past, if I stayed up past my bedtime (10p), I'd use "a good night's sleep" as an excuse not to wake up early for my workout. Not this week! I'm getting up, and Able-Bodied Boyfriend is even gone too! That's a double-win in my book :)

The clothing dilemma: thanks for all the input everyone! I think I'm going to only buy a few things - absolute necessities and shoes/socks/other things that won't really change in size - but with only half my usual budget.

Overall well-being: feeling great! I blew off a tempting scale-call last week, and don't plan to jump on again for another few weeks.


Thank you all so much for following along, encouraging me, and being the supportive community I need :) I always love hearing your thoughts and feedback!

How are all of you, my Able-Bodied Friends?


Much Love,
Able-Bodied Girl


  

unintended resolutions

Did you find yourself doing anything new as the year started?  Things you hadn't even set your mind to?

I did.

I am signing my name differently.  What used to be doctor-like chicken scratch barely resembling even my initials is now moving towards the old script version, more clearly looking like the letters of my name.

Don't ask me how or why.  I know I got a lot of comments in 2010 about my signature, which I use on a daily basis for member correspondence.  And more than once it was pointed out - though not directed at me, per se - that a neat signature was harder to forge than a scribbled one.

Monday, January 3rd, the first business day of the year, I typed out a letter to a member, printed it, and signed my name much slower and neater than I had in the last 5-10 years.  I stopped and stared, amused at my unintended change in behavior, and moved on.  I've been doing it ever since.  *shrug*


In other behavioral news, you may have noted that I scale-surfed the other day, even though an earlier post mentioned that I only intended to get on every other week or so.  Evil, evil scale.  I was in a bad mood that morning.  Grumpy, mostly.  It called to me.  You won't regret this, in that sappy you'll-really-regret-this sort of way.  Don't you want to see how amazing you are :), even though I had over-eaten Tuesday night and hadn't really followed the plan on Sunday.  I doubted that sooooooothing voice.  Hypnotised, I moved closer as the other half of my brain screamed at me.  No, no, no, bad idea!  At best, you've lost a pound.  At worst, you've gained weight.  Or maybe no change at all!  Stop!!!  I got on, and as it flashed 000 in thought, I promised myself I wouldn't do it again for at least two weeks, no matter what.


What resolutions have you been holding to, intended or unintended?

Much Love,
Able-Bodied Girl


  

math is hard

Jill, of the awesome and inspirational blog Lost and Not Found, commented that I didn't have any tangible, measurable goals.  So true!  And Beth, Girl Explorer, suggested a food diary (among other suggestions I need time to digest :)...

So yeah, umm.  About that...

Crap.

For the first couple days, I tried using SparkPeople or FatSecret.com, both of which have really highly rated Android applications, so I can be on my computer or on-the-go and keep track of everything.  Oh just UGH.  Tracking my every bite?  Typing in each ingredient I use on my salads?  90% of the complex foods I eat are homemade, not a store-bought, pre-packaged, or - most importantly - a pre-entered food in the database.  So I have to look up every ingredient of every tuna salad, hummus, smoothie, spinach lasagna, whole wheat loaf, etc, I make/eat?  Did I say UGH?  I lasted two days.  Then stopped.

Can't I just wing it?

Mornings: I eat a bowl of chai oatmeal (1/2c ff milk, 1/4c oats, 1/2T honey, my homemade chai spice blend) and a piece of fruit.  If I'm in a rush, a hard boiled egg or two and fruit, or just a piece of whole grain bread (yup, homemade!) with smart balance.  If I'm feeling particularly lazy, a bowl of raisin brain and a piece of fruit.
Mid-morning snack: 1oz almonds, or a piece of fruit and a protein (HB egg or cheese stick) (cuz fruit alone in my belly SCREAMS for company until I cave and eat a whole bag of chips)
Lunch: soup (homemade, yep!), normally a low calorie bean soup of some sort
Afternoon snack: yogurt and granola (only ever a 1/4 cup, not a full serving), or fruit and granola, or fruit and protein
Dinner: one of those tiny snack plates of whatever Able-Bodied Boyfriend is eating (AKA, big compromise on his dieting style/routines and mine), or tuna (made with homemade yogurt) and celery/carrots, or some other raw veggie with healthy dippy thing, or a small portion of leftovers from another meal that's screaming to be eaten before it goes bad.  This meal needs work, yes indeedy :(

I counted all that up a thousand times and I really think that puts me around 1500 calories, or less, each day. 

I'm up to about 1.5 liters of water each day (two 750ml fill-ups)(or 48oz-ish)... and working my way up to three fill-ups a day and on to four as a goal.  <-----------  OH LOOK!  A measurable goal!!!

I feel like a really really really awful, uninspiring, devious dieter.  I mean, I've gotta be the ONLY person on the planet right now not counting every calorie, right?  It's January, the Month of Counting Calories and Going to the Gym Every Day, right?

Jill and Beth are so friggin inspiring, in all of their weight loss and the progress and diligence with tracking it all.  But I don't know that I can do this in the same way.  I mean, granted, I could weigh myself in another month and go "SHIT, I guess I really need to keep track of everything I eat"...

But I want to do this in a way that doesn't feel like I'm trying too hard.  Cuz the "end" isn't really the end, is it?  It's only the beginning.  I'll be down to a healthier weight, with good eating and exercise habits, and I shouldn't really end there at all.  I'm actually just in the prep-work stage of a whole new healthier me.

Oh my god my brain is going ape-shit.  I have a brain that demands fairness and balance.  Right now, the right side is saying YOU MUST COUNT, it's the ONLY way to KNOW!  And the left side is dancing around singing BUT you should BE FREE and just EMBRACE your generic HEALTHY eating as a WAY of LIFE!  Right: THE DIETING GODS WILL JUDGE YOU HARSHLY!  Left:  IF YOU LOSE WEIGHT, IT'S WORKING, RIGHT??  Right:  BUT WHAT EXACTLY IS WORKING???

Ugh. Fine fine.

5-6 fruits or veggies/day (3-4 raw, minimum)
2-3 grainy beany things/day
2-3 proteins/day (yes, Beth, I should have said less meat proteins)
85oz of water/day
5 aerobic workouts/week
1-2 yoga/pilates workouts/week
strength training TBD

I'm good with fruit right now.  Raw veggies, not so much; but it's my plan to get those prepped for next week.  Grains/beans I'm ok with, and I'm probably a bit over every day on the proteins.  I'm good with the workouts.  But if I'm losing weight, ~3 pounds each month, I'm not going to sweat the counting.

Ugh.  The idea of counting and tracking really really bugs me.  My bohemian side is twitching.


Do you think my vague list of eating goals/limits is satisfactory?  Any suggestions for other not-too-county/tedious ways of tracking or goal-making?  Or do you think I'm setting myself up for failure?

Much Love,
Able-Bodied Girl

ps.  Jan 13, 7a weigh in.  one pound lost.


  

trying to lose a 3-year old

30lbs pretty much amounts to a toddler, right?  Gotta lose me one of those...

I'm pretty hyped about this blog, especially for the accountability aspect.  But as I think about the end of 2011, when I hope to have lost that poor kid, I'm emotionally overwhelmed at the change that means.  Mostly, at the idea that I will have done it.  Like whoa, right?  I will have lost 30lbs?  Who is that person!?  How differently will I look at myself once I've done that?  How will I look at myself if I only lose 20lbs?

So right now my weight is 187; while in my 20s, it has been as high as ~210, and as low as ~175.  I weighed in this morning at a specific point in my routine, which I will do again... sometimes.  Weight isn't the point, really.  It's a mile marker along a road, but the journey is more than just numbers.  So don't bug me to get on that scale again, ugh!
I have a plan, and I have hurdles to overcome.  One of the biggest right now is my eagerness to do it all right now, and the ovewhelming GAH! of it all.  One step at a time.  Less than a pound a week means I don't have to start out at a sprint, right?  Please send a memo to my brain.


What thing have you done in your life that ended up being a big change for you?  Did you know it at the time?  Did you see yourself and your life differently after that?  How so?

Much love,
Able-Bodied Girl


ps.  will you follow me along my journey?  see your options below for following and adding this to your feeds